My story, however, is not exactly like that one. While I admit up-front to having attempted to take my own life many times, I failed. Like so many others, I even tried to go “straight” for the sake of my biological family and society.
I failed there as well ... miserably!
I’m not saying we do not have choices but, and it might very well just be my own thinking but, I feel I never had the luxury of a real choice. In my mind I was simply born a certain way and that was the card I was dealt. I’m sure you’re well aware of the cliche; born a girl in some boys body, but that’s the way I felt. That was the way I was.
Society just so happens to preserve the notion that I, and people like me, will never - that’s an absolute, I know - ever have any kind of choice. It comes down to us, or me, against societal thoughts and impressions. A tall order to be sure, not to mention a rough row.
I do have confidence, I’ve been told I pass and I know I’m not alone. I've had plenty of dates and I've joined a number of support groups and thank my lucky stars they’re there. Unfortunately, my dates don't always call me back (regardless of how it goes for them!) and the support groups do me no good when I wish to be a female in public.
The most casual act of grocery shopping as a female sometimes let’s me be seen as just another queer wearing make up, a dress and heels. I always get a few casual looks, even the check out boy or girl always smiles hard at me. Sometimes I get a few snickers or an out loud laugh along with some finger pointing, but always I’m talked about, usually in whispers.
In fairness, I can make it so when most people look at me they’re not all that sure of what they see!
The love from my children is not forthcoming in any way, they are products of a shared parenting life and one of us critically hates what I am. It would seem that while it’s OK to be gay today, it’s not OK if we’re talking about your man and he also insists that he wears make up and a dress!
I managed to hold onto a bit of my retirement, my ex-wife took most of it in alimony during the divorce. A double edged sword is the fact that my children do not know why I left home. When I asked them (I was in male drab of course) they told me they were simply told I abandoned them. Nice!
Apparently, I was not worth the effort to even make up a story about different ideals, conflicting political views, or even simple unexplained irreconcilable differences. In my mind, anything would’ve been preferable to plain abandonment. Again this was the card I was dealt.
Today, I’m a totally uninhibited woman, the life I led has been a huge help to me in that way.
And yes, I have sex with any man who remotely looks at me in that “special” way. My life insurance is up to date and my kids are the annotated beneficiaries.