Monday, January 23, 2012

I read Trans-blogs all the time

I read Trans-blogs all the time.  I recently read one on Femulate by Stana and it made me want to post this thought to my own blog.

I got the distinct impression her's was a question regarding money.  The "struggling family" she mentions smacks so much of exploitation, the funding for it only re-enforces my suspicions and beliefs.

Ironically, I just watched a movie on HBO just last night called "Cinema Verite".  The movie claimed to be true and, in the credits at the end, it hi-lighted each person involved.  It was about a real family in Santa Barbra, California, during the 70s.  It also said this movie actually started the "reality TV" craze we take for granted today.  Directed by Craig Gilbert in 1972, the movie was seen by many people at PBS as a success.  The movie was titled An American Family.

My interest, of course, was not peaked because the movie was true or because of the characters chosen, the family also happened to have a homosexual boy character who left home to go to NYC to find himself.  That sounded very nice to me and, in fact, he was living a very significant facet of my own personal fantasy.  I was actually a bit jealous of him.  While Lance was an obvious homosexual, I fell to the pressures from my own biological family and society norms and developed to a much less outwardly sufficient degree.  I didn't become like him but I developed inside myself.

So, I made some popcorn and settled in for a good movie.  I was not disappointed.  He fell hopelessly in love with a person who worked on stage as a cross dressing female.  He was my kind of boy!  Naturally, I felt his exposure was very limited but the movie was about a much larger thing.  A social thought, a really big idea.  One I had much interest in. Or so I thought.

His mother made a visit to his place in NYC, which was filmed, and when she learned about her son's relationship she said only mildly significant things about it.  The fact of Lance's blatant homosexuality was also not talked about by her at any time.  She was on camera, however, and I felt that particular topic might've been taboo.

His NYC life, which I suspect had boundaries of its own, was filmed in todo but with no input from his mother and no knowledge of his father.  The boy had carte blanc to live his life the way he wanted.  Sounds like a pretty "normal" life to me now.  Lance contracted HIV, became very ill and passed away in 2001 at the age of 50.  For those who care, he was NOT alone.

The film, The American Family, at the very first screening of it, in the title the word "Family" was shown with cracks running all through it.  It was quickly seen by the majority of the masses as an American Freak Show.  My thoughts, as I saw those scenes and well after the movie was over, ran to a rut I call, "some things never change".  I was particularly glad to see the "Family" fought back!

This movie might not be so similar to the flick Stana mentioned on Femulate, but I always feel when ever money is involved it seems to have a strange but unrelenting way of talking.  Unfortunately, so does society!  No matter the people, no matter the conditions, no matter the story, there are always throngs of humans who are conflicted. 

So, is it better that we trannies spend our money on ourselves FOR our admirers while keeping our secrets to ourselves?  I think not.  The world is teeming with admirers.

See ya out there!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I read a post and it reminded me of . . . .

Actually I saw a cartoon and it made me recall how strongly I felt I was a female.  It also made me think that maybe the reason I was so ready to do the oral thing for boys and men was because I was compensating.  It never occurred to me, not once, that what I did was wrong.  The thing I did also led me to beg men to let me sit on their hard-ons.  That, if you don't already know, is unlike anything on Earth.  It is more closely matched to going to heaven!

Simply said, and I know it's cliche, I've always really been a girl in a boy's body!

When I was very young I used to think I was just a mixed up boy who had a need to behave like a very bad girl.  I couldn't explain it.  I was used as an oral play thing for every male friend I had!  And I had plenty of male friends!

To paraphrase their words; did they "give" me a good mouth fucking or did I "take it" from them?  I know I willingly played a part, but did I control a guy's semen?  Did they feel any better than me when we were done?  I don't think so!  I often told them not to jack off, that they could feed me their full loads of semen.  I was called many dirty and disgusting names as they laughed.  These boys were simply wrong about me and the oddest thing was, that I seemed to know it!

I learned about boys and sex pretty fast and invented a game I called, "Who wins what?"

In my mind, we both won!

I'm not a woman, never was and I will never really be one, but as a youngster I thought we had the best thing going ever, we had a secret!  And yes, the guys didn't want to be seen talking to me in day-light back then, and in fact I had to be careful not to get beaten up just for being a queer!  The make-up and dress, the "hook ups" and low morals have changed nothing, they still want to take me into the bathroom stalls and parked cars, but they don't want to be seen talking to me and I'm still fearful of getting beaten up or worse! 

Guess, some things never change!

I know I'm not a man and I'm not a woman, I'm just a simple homosexual who enjoys being a MTF Transvestite behind closed doors.  Once word gets out that I suck cock, like to get fucked, and wear dresses and make up, I'm usually scratched off most female lists.

I feel that's all for the best.

An honest female most likely wouldn't want to waste her time fooling with me in the boy mask I wear.  I think it's far better to show the real me because everyone can see that I can't be the big, strong, masculine man.  I'm just like any female soul, I'm hoping for love but resigned to being a slut and getting only the NSA sex!

In many ways I'm exactly like a real woman, I'm seen by most men as a partner for nothing more and what I do is not much different from faking a climax.  Ladies you know who you are!

When I sashay up to a register, nails polished, mini-skirt showing lots of nylon covered thighs, fake lashes glued in place, my tiny black clutch in my hand, I hope to enjoy the fact that every man's eyes are on me.  I also do not delude myself that some eyes are looking at me with lots of disgust!  Many females who once thought I was a man might even hate.

I doubt I make a better looking woman than most GGs do and I'm very sorry, ladies, I didn't mean to hurt you by pretending to be a man.  It's simply not my fault that I am what I am.  I can not accept blame for having fooled you for so long, I blame society! 

If I'm seen as somehow cruel, again, I'm sorry.