Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I admit I'm a bit vexed by a comment

I read many blogs on-line and I must admit I'm a bit vexed by a comment I read the other day.  The commenter says he has many gay people as friends but goes on to say they're "all wrong", they need help", and are "walking evil".

Evil?  That single comment shouted volumes about that guy to me!

I read further and after reading I know I would not have the where-with-all to try and change his mind in any meaningful way.  I also would have no desire to regardless if I had the smarts or motivation or not!  If we were to meet at a party, whether I be in man-drab or colorful feminine drag, I think I would have wimped out and simply changed the subject. Failing that, I would simply walk away as I certainly would not want to hear any of his diatribe!  He may be merely talking about gay people.

My journey to become me (a cross dresser) was really not all that tough and arduous.  I don't want anyone to think too poorly of me but when I was 10 or so, before it made sense, I routinely put on makeup and wore dresses in secret.  From what I saw looking back at me in the hall mirror I made a very convincing woman!  That woman eventually became the real and honest me.  As time went by and I gained experience from men and my dresses became sinfully short and my makeup became very heavy.  They all told me they liked me looking this way!  I would do that for them, among other things, and afterwards freshen my makeup and go to rather questionable places and show myself off.  I was clearly asking for it!  In my own awkward way I was trying to prove I was just as good as any "real" woman out there and I went to obvious places to get that proof.

No matter where I went or what I 'looked' like there always seemed to be a man to oblige me, usually in the dark, but he didn't seem to mind leaving a total man-mess on my face!  I learned a lot about men then!  I was rarely spoken to after the deed was done, rarely thanked, and they're all way bigger "down there" than I ever was!  It's been that way my whole life.  The biggest thing I learned was that most men are simply eager and they wish to please us but they don't want to talk about it!  Ever!

During the process of playing the "fallen woman" I learned even more about my true self.  I learned I absolutely loved feeling weak and the weaker men made me feel the better!  It was also strange because I also felt much more feminine!  I fantasised to have a train of sixteen men pulled on me at the same time (looked forward to it actually!) where I would be helpless to stop them.  I became a total cum-whore.  I even advertised in the personals I would do adult male porno parties as a female!  I was only able to do a few but I simply didn't catch anything more than crabs, I can't explain that except to say I was very lucky I didn't catch a life altering STD!  During sex I am simply shameless about my playing a woman and I have lab tests run today to make certain my sexual health is clear!

Do not sell yourself short, YOU are EXACTLY the break you've been looking for!  If you can not relax or express yourself where you are, leave!  Get out of there!  Find a place of your own regardless if that turns out to be your car or a run down apartment on the bad side of town.  You can become a woman!  Eventually, you will find a place that allows you to be yourself, even if that's just you naked behind closed doors, we can't all 'pass'!

It's taken a molester, the San Francisco criminal court system, many shrinks, the loss of my biological family and a few other bumps along my journey to become me, but I can finally and firmly say I accept me as I am.  By the way, most of the men who meet me also accept me.  Now I can half jokingly say, I'm a slow learner but I've surely learned!  Hindsight being 20-20, I'm sorry to say it took me so long to accept me as I truly am because I wasted a lot of my life living in a closet and hiding!  True, it's been a long slug and, mainly because of society, I still do not have stability in my life.

In fairness, I've not become that free spirit we all read about in the "ever after" books.  As far as I'm concerned those kinds of stories are extremely rare or outright fairy tales and are just made up to make us feel better.  I'm a grown adult now and I make myself feel better!  I was duped by society and corrected by my biological family, I was married for many years and created a family of my own.  Today, my wife and I are divorced and the children have no difficulty accepting me but they do have a problem accepting my ideals.  I have moved out and become somewhat independent but still without the stability, lmao!  At 62, I fiercely believe that stability is not going to be forth-coming from this polite society any time soon, yet it doesn't seem to matter either.

Allow me to share this; after my divorce I was fortunate enough to be the "feminine" roommate to four men.  Yes, they knew about me and yes, we did copulate every night.  They took turns with me!  One of these guys, however, had the mental maturity of a 12 year old boy, lmao!  He would berate me because he wanted me to dress as I did and stand on a corner and "rent" myself out!  I was to become his gay cross dressed prostitute and oddly enough he actually expected me to comply!  I told him I was to be his live-in sex doll, not to provide for him!  He moved out because he said he didn't want to live with a queer who couldn't also be a f**king whore!  I say "good riddance"!  We eventually lost that house because of a death, otherwise things are OK.

That you may very well represent THE break you've been looking for I would fervently recommend some caution!  I have to admit I'm not so sure that my cross dressing will ever be a great source of knowledge for any one, I only know that as I grew up my feeling of being female was a source of great confusion for me.  Between my family, my friends and societal norms, coupled with my own mixed up sexual feelings, I made plenty of mistakes!  But I also learned!  After many years of in-fighting with myself I simply came to accept who and what I was, me!  I can not take full credit, however, for it was through my personal growth and an experience I had as a young boy that I gained my current perspective!

While I agree that it is too bad about the thinking evolution of our "civilized society", IMO it’s actually kind of sad really, I originally hoped to assist in the advancement of human evolution and make a difference but I'm afraid I gave up on my plan to re-educate the masses long ago.  It seems our “civil society” has not made much progress since Christ cleared the temple!  I firmly believe that discrimination of any person by any other person, regardless of the reason, is always not good!  Even "wrong thinking people" have a story and they deserve to at least be heard!  All prayers are answered, sometimes the answer is no.  Life IS finite!

I'm flattered to be considered a "female"!

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