Sunday, June 12, 2011

Calie's Uncorking of the Demons

I read Calie’s blog called Uncorking the Demons and immediately identified with the character Ruth in the movie Normal!  That caused me to think about my own transition ordeals.  I didn't suffer in the exactly the same ways as Ruth but I had my moments!  I certainly lost my fair share of jobs!

If memory serves, I grew up as a part of a very “normal” family because I simply didn't know any better.  We weren’t so dysfunctional, although love for each other was in extremely short supply, but I lived with it anyway.  I thought every family was just like mine! 

When I was as young as 9 or 10 my mother would warn me about boys who might want just one thing from a boy like me!  I didn’t understand her.  She would often straighten my hair and tell me I looked pretty but I needed to be very careful, I always got the biggest kiss and the strongest hug from her.  I was confused by her coded warnings but quickly learned exactly what she was talking about!  It’s true, boys will be boys and the more the merrier!

I became extremely popular, but as a girl not as a boy!  Some boys would dress me up and take their turns with me.  What did I know?

I told my mother about these boys and she insisted I not tell my father.  I have no reason to think she did.  My older sister began quietly calling me the family fag.  She asked me if I let boys shoot their “jizz” in my mouth or on my face.  I thought that was a normal question and when I told her it depended on the situation, she asked me if I liked being their nasty little bitch.  I didn’t understand her question, I didn't answer.  She took off all her clothes one day and told me to come into her room and look at her naked body.  She said, “Take a real good look at my pussy!  Queers like you don’t have one of these!"  She told me to get out of her room and called me a little fagot!

My brother said I was maybe just a hermaphrodite.  I looked that word up at school and was relieved to learn he felt that way about me.  In retrospect, I wonder if he was perhaps struggling with his own sexuality?

I was chastised by my family in many ways, I haven’t had contact with them for over 45 years!  I knew about my father’s and my mother’s passing but missed them both.  When I think about them I do cry.

I tried to go straight for the sake of society.  Mother said the marriage wouldn’t last long and she was to be proven right!

My wife, in the biological family I created, caught me dressed.  She said I made a very ugly woman!  She was angry and asked me, “What kind of man does this for other men?”  I was in a kind of denial and shock and could only hang my head in shame, I had no answers for her.

She told me to take off everything I was wearing (like my mother did!) And she took pictures of me as I undressed.  She told me to go wash the make-up off my face and, while I was in the shower, she burned my entire outfit in the bar-b-que!

Many months passed incident free but I found myself sneaking out as a female.  My wife was supposed to be out of town but I was caught totally by surprise when she returned unannounced.  I was in full make up and dressed like a whore.  I was also well into performing oral sex on another man!  While putting his pants back on the guy looked down at me and asked if we could meet some place so I could finish!  I couldn’t believe it, I told him to just leave!  My wife told me to gather up my things and get out.  We soon got divorced.

I spoke with our children some time later and they said I ran away and abandoned them!  They were very angry with me.  I tried to explain that while I may have "run away" the abandonment part is NOT true nor is it accurate.  I've never turned my back on them!  I explained that I created a loving family and keeping that family together for over 30 years is what held me together.  I don’t think they bought it.

The more I was away from my family the more I noticed I was reverting to the easiness of womanhood.  I was allowing those feelings to take hold of me.  I accepted that I was a bit of a queer but I also happened to get much joy from dressing like a female.  I seriously doubt my family would’ve approved or been OK with me doing either but maybe I’m wrong.

I honestly did my best.  Now I’m alone except for the occasional blog.

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